This is the last part in the series of four discussing, in celebration of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, the key behaviors of power, control, narcissism and abuse that can arise not only in intimate partner relationships, but also in any relationship where there are two people. GO HERE to catch the other blogs.
Often it’s just assumed that these terrible relationship experiences happen with intimate partners and spouses, and that could be nothing further from the truth.
I’ll be sharing in this blog some signs of financial abuse and using children to control, give you examples how they appeared in my life, and identify steps to take your life back.
ALSO
→ Be sure to join me for live Facebook training Tuesday
I’ll go deeper into this topic
at 10:00 a.m. Pacific/ 1:00 p.m. Eastern
in the Love is Kind Group
Many of these behavioral categories I have been covering this month of October have been gleaned from the Domestic Violence Hotline Wheel (https://www.thehotline.org/).
As I describe the tactics people use to diminish you, reflect on all your relationships.
Look for these behavior patterns in others.
Notice how you FEEL, and don’t ignore that feeling.
Watch out when you make excuses for their behavior—this is a red flag. Don’t accept when they tell you that “You’re too sensitive.” This is just another way to put you down.
Signs of
Domestic Violence/Domestic Abuse/Family Terrorism/Control/Dominance/Power over
If you are ready to move forward in your life, even if you feel scared, and don’t have a clue, then get started by taking this BONUS quiz:
www.FreedomFulfillmentQuiz.com
In just 4 minutes you’ll discover clarity of where you’re at, and where you want to be. I’m here to guide and support you on your journey to creating a joyful life that you deserve.
- Economic Abuse/Financial Abuse—
- Preventing her from getting or keeping a job—I left a lucrative career in corporate finance when I married my ex and moved to the Middle East. I worked for his company but didn’t get “paid” until the last few years. When he decided to pay me, I never saw the “check” or the money. He decided what I should do with my money. Every time I tried to get a consulting job, he made it extremely difficult for me. Often, he’d say, “Oh you need to charge much more,” which sounded “nice and supportive.” However, I knew that would price me out and I wouldn’t get the job. I have too many examples to share. You can check out my Podcast with Marcia Riner for more stories. [VideoVersion]
- Making her ask for money—After I moved to the Middle East and I no longer had a regular source of income, I had to ask him for everything. I became fully dependent on him and I hated it. I had to ask for money for groceries, for clothes, for household items, you name it. I had to ask him I could call my parents because they lived back in the States and it would be an expensive long distance call. My autonomy was dissolving and I didn’t know it.
- Giving her an allowance—He would give me money for groceries. It wasn’t a fixed allowance per se, but it was a certain amount and if I wanted more, I had to create a case for it. Other women I spoke to told me that they had to account for every penny–producing a receipt and returning the exact change.
- Taking her money—I owned a house in the United States before we got married. He wouldn’t let be rent it out because he wanted to stay there whenever he wanted when we visited the U.S. Then he forced me to sell the house, but not before he coerced me into putting his name on the deed four days before the house was to sell. After the house sold, he took half of the proceeds. I felt helpless and frightened to stand my ground.
- Not letting her know or have access to family income—I have spoken to many women worldwide who share their stories that their husband would not let them see the bank accounts. I saw all the bank accounts. I helped manage the money. But I had no access to it.
All this and more happened to me even though I had a MBA in finance. Don’t beat yourself up for “not knowing,” or the “should’s.” He framed it so that even after 23+ years of marriage, all the money was “his.”
- Using Children/Falsely accusing Parental Alienation—
- Insulting her capability as a mother—My ex husband frequently told me, “I know you love your daughter, but you are a terrible mother.” I heard it so often that I took steps to find a British nanny and leave my daughter—just so she wouldn’t have been influenced by my “bad” mothering. He backed off. But I didn’t do that as a threat to him; I truly believed I was a bad mother.
- Make her feel guilty about the children—I tried many times to find activities to get me out of the house, including taking courses. One time when my daughter was ten years old, I wanted to sit for a test that was conducted by the French government. The test was held in Beirut in the evening. He concocted an excuse that I shouldn’t leave my daughter and that she needed my help. Instead of taking care of our daughter for that evening, and supporting me for doing this test that I had been preparing a year for, I was coerced into staying home and lost that opportunity.
- Threatening to take her children away—In Lebanon, like elsewhere in the Middle East where we were living, custody automatically goes to the father until the child reaches 18 years of age. The system threatened me so I didn’t need him directly threatening me, but it is the reason I dared not leave him until she was over 18. He nevertheless accused me of kidnapping her, even though she was almost 21 years old by the time we escaped.
- Using the children to relay messages—During my marriage and after my escape, my ex tried to use me to relay messages to his daughter because she refused to talk to him (she was an adult when we left). He accused me, though, of brainwashing and preventing her from talking to him, which of course was not true.
- Using visitation time to harass you—I did not have this experience, because he was in a different country, but he has harassed me via the Internet and using other methods.
- Falsely accusing her of parental alienation—This is a tactic abusers use to deflect responsibility of their toxic behavior. Studies now show this is a manipulative tactic that has no sound efficacy. My ex sited parental alienation from the beginning and ten years later, continues to hold to this belief because it serves him.
Go HERE to catch prior blog articles
Offsetting strategies:
- Listen to your body. Your body is going to know what feels uncomfortable.
- Hold onto your truth; don’t doubt yourself.
- Talk to someone you trust, and who will support you to validate your experiences and feelings.
- Go to a professional or someone experienced with this work. Friends and family may emotionally support you, but they are not in a position to properly guide you other than, for example, to help you get out if you are stuck.
- Don’t think no one will understand or believe you—they created so much doubt in you and that it’s hard to overcome that false belief.
- Let go of the shame, and you’ll discover many people who will come to your aid.
- Reach out to someone supportive instead of feeling you need to figure it out by yourself, or that you have to “tough it out.” This is not a way to live a life.
Are you aware of this red flag?
Watch yourself making excuses for their behavior, where you justify their behavior not only to others, but to yourself. If you have to constantly make excuses for their behavior, then this is a sign that you have difficulty accepting that his behavior is abusive and it’s easier to blame yourself. Don’t fall into that trap. I made excuses for years for my ex-husband’s horrible behavior because I didn’t know the signs of abusive, controlling, toxic behavior. Making excuses for another’s behavior is a huge red flag.
I experienced every single one of these tactics during my relationship.
But I want you to know, you can create a great life. After a 25 year abusive relationship that I had to escape, I created an amazing life, and I am now with the most loving and kind man.
Whether you want to find KIND love, or reclaim your own worth and confidence, you need to learn the skills to move forward. This is not work that can be done alone, otherwise you’ll continue to fall into the same type of circumstances as before.
You matter. Your life matters. It’s your time to take the steps to create the freedom that you deserve.
If you are ready to move forward in your life, even if you feel scared, and don’t have a clue, then get started by taking this BONUS quiz:
www.FreedomFulfillmentQuiz.com
In just 4 minutes you’ll discover clarity of where you’re at, and where you want to be. I’m here to guide and support you on your journey to creating a joyful life that you deserve.
Remember:
You deserve to be treated with kindness.
Rosie Aiello
Women’s Transformational Leader
Contact: www.TheLoveisKindNetwork.com
